Banana Man // Sanya

My friends who live in Sanya both work for a photography company and they needed to test out their new gear. So I suggested I buy a banana costume and we go to a street market to take pics and film a music video — which is exactly what we did. My friend is working on editing the video, so that will be posted when it’s finished. Chinese people laughed when seeing me in costume and little kids kept shouting “BANANA!”

Travel Chess Game

With T-minus 19 days until my last working day at Xinhua, I’m working on sorting out my exit plan. Besides trying to figure out flights, when I asked my boss what documents I need to submit before I quit and for me to receive my social insurance money, he said, “It’s still too early.” Umm, ok?

Ultimately, the plan is to get to Singapore to be with my girlfriend. However, Singapore has suspended short-term travel passes (tourist visas) until further notice. The government has been adamant that they aren’t in a lockdown, but have implemented a “circuit breaker.” Hey Singapore, call it what you want to call it, but when you close off the borders, shut down bars, restaurants can only do take out, public gatherings are banned, people can’t go outside after a certain time, and the airport is closed, you’re in lockdown.

So as of now, Singapore is out of the question. Before shutting down, Singapore had closed itself off to people who had been in certain countries for the past two weeks (including China), so even when Singapore opens up, I think they’ll revert to that policy. As such, I need to get out of Beijing. The tricky thing is trying to only spend two weeks in a foreign country before heading to Singapore to avoid paying a ton for a hotel and living expenses. But without any notice on when Singapore will open, it’s a gamble. If I stay in Beijing in my already paid for apartment, and Singapore opens, I’ll have to fly out and do two weeks in a foreign country before I can enter. Or, on May 1, I can immediately fly to a foreign country, but I might end up having to spend more than two weeks there waiting for Singapore to open.

Options at the time of this writing are:

• Thailand will resume flights on April 18, but I think they’ll still implement a COVID-19 test signed by a doctor and not issued more than 72 before my flight, plus proof of insurance of minimum $100,000 that also covers COVID-19. After calling several travel insurance companies, I discovered that COVID-19 wasn’t covered. Plus, I’m not sure I can just walk into a hospital in Beijing and get a COVID-19 test.

• Cambodia has suspended all visas until April 30.

• Hong Kong is open to people who have only been in Mainland China for the past two weeks, but many countries include HK as part of China, so even spending two weeks there wouldn’t help me out.

• Malaysia just prolonged their lockdown for another two weeks.

• Vietnam has suspended visas for foreigners until further notice.

• Macau says that residents of Mainland China can visit. I have a Mainland China resident permit. I called immigration, and they said that they meant to say “citizens” and would not accept anyone that doesn’t have a Mainland China, HK, or Taiwan passport. Well, change the wording on the website then…

• Indonesia is closed to foreigners until further notice

• The Philippines is closed to anyone who has been in China for the past two weeks. Plus, I don’t want to get shot on the street by Duterte’s thugs if I accidentally break quarantine rules.

So at this point, much like the response to every other question I have these days, all I can do is “WAIT.”

HERE is the website I’ve been using to track border policies. Between trying to figure all this out, I still need to submit documents to Xinhua, deep clean my apartment so I can get my deposit back from landlord, breakdown my workout machine and find someone who wants it, plan a going-away party, buy a plane ticket, get a COVID-19 test, buy travel insurance, donate my remaining clothes, and all the other odds and ends that come with leaving a foreign country after seven years. And all this while Beijing is still in a semi-lockdown. I’m just looking forward to leaving China so I can go to the gym again.

The Daily Telegraph - China Response

I thought this was a really well-written response to the typical rhetoric that China typically puts out:

The Daily Telegraph

My Nightmare

Literally all the gyms in Beijing are closed. I called maybe 20 the other day, including hotel gyms — all closed. As are sports venues, bowling alleys, and gymnasiums. Everyone I called said “closed until further notice.” Epidemic doesn’t seem to be diminishing, so I’m resorting to “home workouts” via YouTube.

New Cartoon by Jeff Myles

China's Development

Here is an article I wrote about China’s “developing country” status and what it will take for China to become a developed country in the future

Beijing vs. Shandong // Dec. 1, 2019

Beijing Guo'an vs. Shandong Luneng // December 1, 2019 Beijing won 3-2 to finish 2nd in the CSL for 2019 Fans are shouting 傻逼 at a Shandong player in response to a foul For more about China, visit www.degenh.com

Back in Beijing

It’s always a bittersweet feeling flying back into Beijing. Immediately, I’m confronted with swarms of Chinese people rushing through the airport trying to collect their five pieces of luggage from their four-day trip. Loud voices come creeping in through my headphones as people light cigarettes in the taxi line. “Welcome back!” my friends will tell me - to which I usually just say thanks instead of going on a rant of how much I loathe coming back here after a relaxing vacation. Regardless of my feelings, I’m back to work and back to my routine, which has its benefits. I like going to the gym at the same time every day, I enjoy riding my scooter instead of having to negotiate taxi prices, and it’s nice to use my computer again (which I typically don’t bring when I travel.)

On the other hand, ending a vacation sucks - a word my father deplores - but it pretty much sums up all my feelings about coming back home. I miss the weather, the new culture, the food, the ocean, the fact that when I wake up, I have no responsibilities. Traveling is great, but getting back to the ‘constants’ in my life is also nice. Perhaps one day I’ll figure out a way to combine them.

I Wrote An Article for International Travel and Study Institute

Taking the Plunge: Studying Abroad in Beijing

Glass Bridge outside of Beijing

Dating in China 2

After going on so many “bad” dates, it’s tough to get the willpower to go back out there. Sitting at home alone half-naked under my air con watching Netflix and eating Chinese Cheetos has started to sound a lot more appealing than going out to dinner on a date.

“Pressure”

This is our first date

Her: So, you want kids?

Me: I’m not opposed to having them

Her: What about living in China the rest of your life?

Me: Definitely not

Her: So, you hate China?

Me: Not at all, I just don’t want to live here forever

Her: Then this isn’t going to work

Me: Sorry what?

Her: I need someone committed to me, and that means living in China forever

Me: Should we just get the bill now or…?

“The Classic”

A typical WeChat conversation

Me: Hey any plans for the weekend?

Her: Sleeping

Me: You’re going to sleep all weekend?

Her: Yes, so tired from work.

Me: Do you want to grab a drink or something?

Her: No, sorry, I’ll be sleeping

This is also a super common response from colleagues I work with. ‘Sleeping’ is often replaced by the word ‘resting,’ which for most Chinese means laying in bed playing around on their phone and not leaving their apartment all weekend. 

“Better Salad”

We go to a nice Mexican restaurant around 6pm and both get food and drinks. We both get a substantial amount of food plus chips & salsa (which are not free in China) and no, she’s not fat. After we pay, this happens:

Her: I want a salad

Me: Why didn’t you order one?

Her: Well, I don’t want one from here, I want one from this little café I know

Me: You’re still hungry? I mean, I guess we could ride my scooter there

Her: Great

I just rode 12km to get to the Mexican place, and now I’m taking this girl 10km to some café because “they have the best salads.” We get there, she wants to sit on the rooftop, but their lights aren’t working, so we’re literally sitting the dark while she’s munching away on a salad and I’m drinking a beer. I’m not super excited to be in this situation. After she finishes her salad, she makes it abundantly clear that she wants to go home, so we walk outside.

Me: Well, that was super weird, but nice to see you! Are you going to get a Didi or take the subway home?

Her: You’re not going to drive me back to where we met?

Me: My battery is running low, plus I’d have to ride back here and I’ve gotta be getting home

Her: That’s so rude

Me: You chose this place

Her: Ya but it’s your responsibility to take me back

Me: I’m sorry?

“The Vegetarian”

Before the date, she explicitly told me she was a vegetarian and she’d only go out to dinner if I took her to a vegetarian restaurant, but not Indian. I love demanding girls, off to a great start.

Me: I don’t usually eat vegetarian, but I thought that was pretty great!

Her: Huh…

Me: You didn’t like it?

Her: It was terrible

Me: What didn’t you like about it?

Her: I just didn’t like it

We did get separate dishes, but we also shared pita bread and veggies with hummus. She also ate all of her food, so I’m a little confused at this point.

Me: My fault then, I’d never been here before but it has good reviews online. Next time we go out, you can take me to a place that you like

Her: There won’t be a next time

Me: Why?

Her: Because you took me to the worst vegetarian restaurant I’ve ever been to

Me: Are you serious?

Her: You’re a bad restaurant chooser

I think I dodged a bullet on that one

China's Hutong Renovations: Yay or Nay?

You ever get so busy that you forget to update your blog? Ya, happened to me. I leave for Egypt on July 30, so expect lots of photos of me with my hands in the air surrounded by sand.

Here’s an article I just recently wrote for Expat Guides.

Dating In China

Since I broke up with my ex in October 2016, I’ve given the dating game in Beijing a shot and it’s been a whirlwind of funny/awkward situations, and moments where I can’t even think of how to respond. Here are some of the more “interesting” things that have happened while on a date

 “Already Ate”

Her: Let’s grab dinner at 6 on Saturday

Me: Sounds good!

In the restaurant on Saturday

Me: I’m starving, you hungry?

Her: No, I ate an hour ago

Me: Umm, I thought we had dinner plans

Her: Ya, but I was hungry an hour ago and didn’t want to wait. It’s ok, I’ll watch you eat

Me: …

 “Oh, Actually”

Me: So, drinks on Friday?

Her: Ya, perfect.

At the bar

Me: I think I’ll grab a beer. You?

Her: Oh, actually, I don’t drink, but I am so hungry, I think I’ll get Pho

So I sit there, drinking beer, listening to her slurp up Pho while puffing on a vape every other bite and blowing it right across the table. Before I can even start to wonder how I get myself in these situations, she says:

Her: Do you want to buy a vape? I sell them, it’s my side business

Me: Thanks for the offer, but I’m all set

Her: No worries! Anyway, it’s so nice of you to buy me Pho

Me: Sorry, what gives you the impression that I’m buying your food?

Her: That’s how it works, guys always pay

I’ve gotta start vetting these girls better before agreeing to go out

“So Strong”

Her: Oh my gosh, this mojito is so strong

Me: You can order something else if you want

Her: No, it’s ok, I’m just feeling like so drunk already

Me: Alright, well just don’t throw up on me

So we keep talking, and between stories she keeps commenting just how strong the drink is and how’s she feeling drunk and laughing a lot. This is her first drink, so I’m not concerned, but find it odd that she keeps talking about it. After we finish, we head down to the bar and the bartender says “Table 10, one beer and one non-alcoholic mojito”, at which point I turn to the girl and say “Sorry, what the fuck?”

She looks at me and shrugs: I thought you’d like me better if you thought I was drunk

Me: …

“Don’t Do Scooters”

Me: Hey, so we can meet around 8 at the subway station and I can pick you up on my scooter and then ride to the restaurant

Her: Sounds great!

At the subway

Me: Hey hey, ready to go?

Her: Actually, do you know any places close to here? I don’t do scooters

Me: … I already made a reservation, I thought you said riding on a scooter would be fine

Her: Ya, but I don’t do scooters, too scary

Me: …

“Height Requirements”

Talking to Chinese girls on Tinder (which you need a VPN for) can be tricky, but there’s one thing for certain - they’ll ask you how tall you are

Her: How tall are you?

Me: 180

Her: Sorry, that’s not enough

Me: What do you prefer?

Her: 190+

Me: Out of curiosity, how tall are you?

Her: 150

Me: If you want to date a giraffe, go to the zoo

“Couldn’t Wait”

Me: Hey I’m outside of the KFC where we agreed to meet. Where are you?

Her: I’m inside, hold on a second.

Her: Hey sorry, I was hungry so I got a bunch of stuff.

Me: We are literally headed to a restaurant right now

Her: Ya, but I wanted KFC

Me: …

Beijing Boredom

I’m T-minus 370 days until I leave China. Just renewed my work visa and it will expire June 10, 2020, and I don’t intend on getting a new one - it’s time to start a new adventure elsewhere.

Hutong Sunday

Xinhua Photos

Photographer friend was doing an exhibition about foreigners in Beijing at their place of work, so here I am at Xinhua News Agency

Noodles Noodles Noodles

I’ve always been an advocate for noodles over rice, and each time I eat these, I reaffirm my decision. These are called “You Po Mian” and are a broad, belt-shaped type of noodle, popular in Shaanxi Province, also known as biángbiáng miàn. It has vinegar, soy sauce, spices, garlic, bok choy and sprouts. It’s a super simple dish, but there’s something about chewy, handmade noodles that really brings it together. 

May the Fourth Be With You

Xi’an, China

Xi'an is more than 3,000 years old and was known as Chang'an in ancient times. For 1,000 years, the city was the capital for 13 dynasties, and a total of 73 emperors ruled here. It is one of the oldest cities in China and the oldest of the Four Great Ancient Capitals. Xi'an is also the starting point of the Silk Road.

Xi'an means "Western Peace" and as of 2015, had a population of 8.7 million people.

Fun fact: Xi'an was the first city in China to be introduced to Islam. The Emperor of the Tang Dynasty officially allowed the practice of Islam in AD 651. Xi'an has a large Muslim community, the significant majority are from the Hui ethnic minority. 

Terracotta Army - Xi’an, China

The Terracotta Armyis a collection of terracotta sculptures depicting the armies of Qin Shi Huang, the first Emperor of China. It is a form of funerary art buried with the emperor in 210–209 BCE with the purpose of protecting the emperor in his afterlife.

The figures, dating from approximately the late third century BCE, were discovered in 1974 by local farmers in Lintong County, outside Xi’an, Shaanxi, China.

The terracotta figures are life-sized and vary in height, uniform, and hairstyle in accordance with rank.

Also, I have no idea what that lady is doing squatting on the ledge.