#18: The Weight of Expectations
We all carry expectations with us through life - expectations we put on ourselves, and expectations that others place upon us. But where do these expectations come from? Are they helpful guides propelling us forward, or insidious sources of stess and self-judgment?
Developmental psychologists believe some expectations arise from our very biology. A well-known study from the 1970s found that human infants as young as 3 months old seem to hold expectations about the physical world based on principles like gravity and object permanence. As we grow, we form increasingly complex expectations shaped by our genes, experiences, and the norms of our culture.
"Our beliefs about what should or should not be true arise from multi-layered and interlocking biological, personal and cultural foundations," wrote psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett in her 2017 book How Emotions Are Made.
Our innate human drive to understand patterns and predict what comes next may underlie many of the expectations we develop, from how loved ones "should" behave to how much career success we "should" achieve by a certain age.
Reasonable expectations can provide useful guides and motivators. Having the expectation of completing a work project by a deadline can focus your efforts. Expecting respectful treatment from friends and family can motivate you to set healthy boundaries.
A 2009 analysis involving over 100 studies found that individuals with higher expectations tend to experience better health outcomes - possibly because positive expectations can buffer stress and encourage perseverance toward goals.
While expectations arise from understandable roots, unrealistic or unhealthy expectations can become powerful detractors from wellbeing and potential. Setting expectations far beyond situational constraints or your current abilities can set you up for disappointing and demoralizing shortfalls.
In a 2008 study at the University of Florida, researchers found that students who had perfectionistic expectations - holding themselves to unrealistic or irrational standards of performance - suffered higher levels of stress, anxiety, and self-criticism.
In the workplace, professionals can be plagued by expectations around career advancement, productivity, or work-life balance that erode their satisfaction and engagement. A oft-cited 2014 Happience survey found that 76% of employees view clashing career expectations as a cause of burnout.
Perhaps most concerning, many people unconsciously accept unhealthy expectations around busyness and endless work as norms. A 2021 study by the OECD found that professionals send and receive work emails and messages after business hours at levels that seriously encroach on off-hours rest.
So how can we escape the tyranny of toxic expectations? Experts recommend flexibly updating expectations as circumstances change, prioritizing self-compassion over self-criticism when falling short, and regularly evaluating whether expectations align with personal values and realistic constraints.
As the zen proverb states, "The greater the aim, the greater the constraints required." Setting expectations consciously and with wisdom may be one of the greatest and most valuable practices available to us. After all, the expectations we fail to interrogate may ultimately become the prisons we inhabit.
