#22: When Does Helping Become Hindering? Finding the Balance
We've all been there - a friend, family member, or colleague needs a hand with something. It could be money troubles, a work project that's overwhelming them, or trying to learn a new skill. Of course, we want to lend a supportive hand. But where do we draw the line between giving a helpful boost and completely doing everything for them? It's a delicate balance to strike.
Too often, our good intentions to help can unintentionally cross over into robbing someone of their agency and growth opportunities. It creates a "soft landing" where the struggle and adversity that helps us develop resilience, resourcefulness, and capable independence is removed. As the saying goes, you can give someone a fish to eat for a day, or teach them to fish so they can feed themselves for life.
The line separating productive helping from counterproductive over-helping isn't always clear. But recognizing that line is crucial for ensuring our support empowers rather than disables the recipient. After all, nobody wants to infantilize a competent adult or stunt a child's maturation into capable self-sufficiency.
So how can we gauge when our helping hand becomes an unhelpful crutch or overly simplistic solution? It requires carefully evaluating the specifics of the situation, while being mindful of certain guiding principles.
One key consideration is the person's existing skills, knowledge, and experience relative to the challenge they face. If it's a steep learning curve but they have some foundational abilities, strategic guidance and targeted assistance may be the ideal approach. Offering a few tips, demonstrating key steps, or troubleshooting particular sticking points could be the empowering nudge they need. In contrast, if it's an entirely new domain for them, more comprehensive tutoring may be required before they can reasonably handle it independently.
Statistics show the value in not completely eliminating the challenge. A study on child development found that children who had to work through moderately difficult puzzles built more cognitive persistence and problem-solving skills compared to those simply handed the solutions. Similarly, research on adult education indicates we retain only about 5% of information from lectures alone, versus 75% when putting lessons into practice through applied exercises.
The nature of the task itself is another key factor. Is it a one-off situation or an ongoing skill they need to master? A cash gift to cover an emergency expense isn't robbing someone of the ability to earn and budget their own money long-term. But if you're consistently bailing out a financially irresponsible person, you may be enabling detrimental behavior. On the flip side, walking someone step-by-step through preparing their tax returns isn't as empowering as upskilling them on financial literacy.
An apt analogy is teaching a child to ride a bicycle. You don't throw them on and let them figure it out through trial and error. But you also don't keep athermalized training wheels on indefinitely. You provide support and guidance proportional to their development, gradually transitioning more responsibility and independence over time.
Ultimately, we want to cultivate self-sufficiency and growth, not crippling dependence. A good rule of thumb is to begin by taking on more of the load yourself while modeling and explaining the process. Then, as their competence increases, your role shifts to more of a supporting coach, ceding more ownership to them while still being available for advice and periodic course corrections.
True empowerment means equipping people with the tools, knowledge, and confidence to eventually handle the bulk of the task themselves. Offer a supporting hand, not an enduring hand-holder. It's a nuanced balance to strike, but getting it right is invaluable for maximizing your help while still preserving and developing their self-efficacy. At the end of the day, the best help walks the fine line between giving a nudge and delivering a kick in the pants.
